I can’t help but think to myself “is this as good as it’s gonna get?” I’m in a weird time period in my life..I know that I have to grow up and get up and do shit for myself, but I simply don’t want too. It’s like, I just wanna be free to do whatever I please, but that’s not reality. Am I allowed to make mistakes anymore? I feel like I’ve reached my limit. Life is about lessons right? I feel like I’ve “learned” so much but haven’t gained knowledge…I know the type of person I want to be, the person I desire to become but how do I get there? What if the person I really wanna be isn’t even real?, she’s not inside me. It gets me thinking about happiness, how can someone reach it, if no one really knows the feeling? It’s weird, I feel like happiness is when you feel whole and shit, but feeling whole is fucking hard…you have to REALLY be satisfied with settling in order to feel whole. Sure, you grow up, get married, have kids, have a great sex life, have nice fake tits and a Kim K ass but what if that still doesn’t make you whole? I know life isn’t suppose to be about that petty shit but for most people it is, it’s just an image, an illusion. & I hate that I’m one of those people, I want my life to be about self love and compassion to myself and the people that matter. I, for one am truly blessed. I go around acting like a cunt most of my days because the guy I want doesn’t want me or because I don’t look like fucking Adriana Lima, it’s a sad life. I have a great family who I love to hate and the greatest group of friend any basic bitch would love. I’m actually aware that my life has the potential to be more than ordinary, I believe that. The exterior of things and the materialistic aspect of life doesn’t let me happy. Why can’t I be like those cool hippie chicks who smoke weed and just love everyone because they truly love themselves. I got the weed smoking down, but that’s about it, I wanna practice what I preach, I wanna be able to be okay with things not working out with a regular guy who deep inside, I really don’t even like or be okay with not being the hottest girl in the room. I feel like, once I reach that part in my life I can feel whole. I wanna be a role model for other half..most people don’t have that..a other half, but I do. She is actually part of me, we share the same blood and our souls have connected as one for 9 months, that is literally my other half. I’m already complete in that sense, because if I die tomorrow, I can say I’ve met my soul mate, shared laughs with my true love and taught someone how to love another human being. I’ve been making vows of change to myself since my last “heart break” and nothing has changed, except I’m probably a little bit less friendly and a lot more slutty. Why does it take a tragedy to make people realize that they suck as a person? not that I’ve ever experienced somethings “tragic” per say but a heartbreak could be along those lines. & doesn’t it suck that most of these realizations come from a fucking pathetic guy leaving you for an ugly bitch? the person they leave you for are always ugly inside too.. Like, really? you couldn’t chose someone who loved people and cared for the elderly on her day off? you had to chose a selfish cunt who thinks life is about winning? That really makes you think, “damn I must suck” But then I go back to my theory, if I was this cool chick who loved herself and knew that life fucks you over sometimes, and people are miserable so they go ahead and do dumb shit like that, then I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. Doesn’t it suck that you can be completely over the person but the wound isn’t healed? how does that happen? how can someone scar you so much? It doesn’t even hurt anymore either, it’s just a permanent feeling that you’re left with, it becomes part of you..these are the things that are suppose to teach you shit right? you’re suppose to grow from it? I think I just did..